Mar 2nd, 2008
Meatballs 2
Jennifer Lopez pooped two newborns out of her baby hole this week. How exciting! Marc Anthony has been wanting kids since he ate the couple’s secret baby last spring.
Seriously. Doesn’t he look weird enough to eat a baby? Possibly two?
Look at the below photo and pretend Marc Anthony is speaking to you about his favorite cuisine.
“Oh hello. Yes. It is me. Marc Anthony. I love pizza. Chicago Style. Thick Crust. Butjooknow what else I like? Babies. I know. I know. It’s a little surprising. Jennifer just had a couple new meatballs. I will eat them. But not before a good strong marinade is applied over several days time. I will use a Paul Newman dressing because charity eeees emportant.”
Andy Juett Handles the Paparazzi
J-Lo. Lindsey. Britney Spears. Listen Up. You’ve got a lot to learn when it comes to handling the paparazzi. Let me help you.
#1 Don’t get a latte more than 30 times a day. It gives the paparazzi a chance to catch you itching your taint or catching an angle where it looks like you might be kissing Zac Efron at a club. If you haven’t purchased a personal home barista system yet, throw down a grand and make it happen. You’re filthy rich. You need a barista like Snoop needs a weed man at the airport. Again, these are issues that money CAN solve. Coffee is available in the home.
#2 When you are going to be traveling anywhere at all in a vehicle OR you might be sitting down, WEAR UNDERWEAR. It keeps the camera from drinking in your poonany extravaganza on the Internet. You have to realize that paparazzi photographers are VOYEURS either literally or metaphorically right? So, it might be best to put a proverbial “drop cloth” in FRONT of the meat curtains so that peeping Tom doesn’t get digital of your hoo-hah.
Oh yeah. Stars that are waning and need some attention, you might want to NOT WEAR UNDERWEAR and make some headlines for once. Are you listening Tiffany Amber Thiessen?
#3 Stop dating other stars. Can one of you please fuck the hot mechanic? Seriously. For America. Show us that you aren’t a vacuous overstuffed botox bomb by giving that math teacher a throw. Release a photograph of you pawing at the local construction worker and watch your Farrah Fawcett flag fly. Keep hope alive for that really well adjusted post office worker that you might come in, buy a booklet of stamps and make a regrettable decision that involves your hand on the mailman’s junk. You being seen with Wilmer Valderamma is just hilarious at this point.
#4 Your dog sucks. I’m talking to you, Paris Hilton. Your pooch itself is not the problem. The dilemma remains the transporting of a dog in a bag that’s worth more than the Gross Domestic Product of Laos. Do you have a Louis Vuitton laundry basket to carry your dirties to the wash? Don’t answer that. Bags are cool. I get it. But your making the dog into a freak show that they didn’t buy a ticket to. PETA, speak up here.
#5 Do MINIMAL drugs. If you like the feeling of euphoria and general bliss, try not to do more smack than a horse would if it had hands. Get a nutritionist. You can pay for it. Let ‘em know that you might like to smoke a joint every once in a while and work that into the overall health system. It certainly works for Matthew McConaughey. The man is like a nude animatronic beefcake robot on a beach playing bongos and smoking dope 24/7. Two weeks ago he was in the number one movie in the country. The man gets more ass than 1991 Jordan Knight. Male or female.
I am amazed that you didn’t use “meat taco” or “hatchet wound” under the gross and offensive banner of euphemisms used for the “V-J-J” (a term Oprah has actually used). Next time do a little research man! Punk up and talk to a friend who really likes hiding their love for an object under obscure words which relate to said object. I think you have found an entirely new thread of merriment and thought provoking comedy.
How can you be so insensitive about the Latino people? Do you really think all Latinos speak that way? Marc Anthony speaks and sings using better English than you, Mr. Juett. Whether or not he eats babies is another subject to be discussed at a later time. I can assure you, however, that if he does indeed eat babies, he does so without your cheap Latino dialect.
I am surprised at you, Mr. Juett. Let the poor man go about his baby eating day without your snide commentary on his language skills.
Stop the Latino hate, Mr. Juett. Can’t we all just get along?
Tags: 2, meatballs